Thursday, July 31, 2014

It Must Be Menopause... I'm Wanting Desperately To Escape Wonderland!!!



Lately I've found myself on the spectrum of behavior and moods so Manic that it must be Monopause!?!   And I'm beginning to Wonder... how long does this Menopause Thing last!?!  Good Lord it seems as though I've been moving thru it forever already... does it take up ALL the Senior Years to get past it!?!  I want to feel like Myself again and not this all over the place version that often makes me feel like I'm losing it and scheming to Escape Wonderland!
 
 



Because with it comes some very Extreme Thinking about Profound Issues I find myself constantly wrestling with during this Aging Process.   And it's not at all like a Mid-Life Crisis Realm of Thought Process, because I'm far past Mid-Life now, well, unless I Live to be a Hundred And Twenty Something that is?!?  *Winks*   This is more in the Realm of Embracing, or at least trying to... that what I used to be able to do with ease... well, it ain't so easy anymore.  No matter how Gung Ho I am... and if I'm not at all Gung Ho about whatever it is... well, you can only Imagine!  *Smiles*  I know that I am also just feeling the Constraints holding me back from doing anything much other than what Full Time unpaid Caregiving requires!
 
 

 Source: Pinterest
 
 
 I don't Feel Ancient enough in Mind or Spirit to give in totally to my Body Feeling that perhaps I shouldn't be trying to do so much anymore and maybe the Pace is too much and I've got to just let some things Go.   You know, just not do them... even if  it's making me Crazy to see them being left undone.  Since there's nobody else to do them if I don't and I'm not resigned yet to being comfy in Chaos.  The rest of the Crew seems to be totally comfy in the Chaos they Create... and that doesn't Help me reign in the Beast within that wants to get out and react!  *LOL* 


 
 
 And so I continue this Quest to Simplify Life even more than I'm presently {and most unsuccessfully} attempting to in this whole Downsizing, Editing, Purging, Curating, Minimalizing Thing I've begun in earnest.  It seems the Sane and Logical thing to do at this Season of Life and due to our particular Life Circumstances which weren't 'Chosen' and make for me running continuous damage control around this Old House behind the three Merry Muskateers I'm Caring for.
 
 


And yet even with too much to do that I don't relish... I've still got all these Dreams and Projects that I'm Excited about... and Opportunities Galore... even tho' many of them are in a state of Limbo presently since Life just keeps getting in the way of Dreams, Projects and Opportunities that I'm Excited about getting to do... one day... I Hope??!??!!  


 
 
 And so comes the other end of the spectrum as the pendulum swings in the opposite direction... of being harshly confronted with limitations and Constraints that are holding me back and anchoring me down... all of them beyond my Control. Things preventing me from reaching full Potential for those things I'm longing and aching to just DO and could still do to ease so many burdens we deal with daily.  Knowing you could... but can't... is torturous because you're so torn and conflicted about your role.  It's like asking a Racehorse to just be a Show Pony and give rides in a limited and dizzy array of circles daily!  

 
 



It is very, very demoralizing to have Opportunities knock and get Excited about, only to have to let them each Pass By because you cannot accept most, or sometimes any of them right now.  Because if not now, then when?  Tick tock tick tock there is a limited window of opportunity for most things to be Acted upon with any measure of meaningful Success.
 
 



I'm languishing Professionally... and that can be really hard for a Type A Personality that Succeeds easily doing things that bring in a Paycheck.  And yet on the Home Front there is always so much that needs to be done that I don't really relish doing all by my lonesome either.  I'm not opposed to Work, or even Volunteer Status Work, I rather Enjoy it actually and have done Paid and Unpaid Work all my Life with Joy.   Call me Crazy but I'm a Worker Honey Bee that receives great Satisfaction from getting things done and making a difference in her World.   But I do want them to STAY done for a minute and not turn into a Killer Bee protecting her hive and all her hard diligent Work from emminent destruction by other occupants of the hive! *Smiles*
 
 


I sometimes muse if Killer Bees aren't just tired Old Honey Bees going thru Menopause too?  It would certainly explain their very predictable unpredictable behavior and reactions to anything being a threat to their Space and disturbing their Peace!  *Winks*   I'd often be an angry scary swarm if there was more than one of me!


 
 
And when I cannot get an infusion of those Activities that Restores my Reserves and I have an appetite for... depleted me isn't very Lovely or at her shiny bright best.   I haven't even been Joyously Junquing and withdrawal is setting in with no for sure 'Fix' in sight!  There are 'Fixes' on the immediate Horizon, like Art Unraveled and some of my Monthly Pilgrimage Events... but whether or not I can actually go is always a last minute prospect since things around here are subject to change without notice and can turn on a dime! 
 




I don't like to get my Hopes up and then have them dashed... so I try not to think upon those Invitations extended that I cannot yet commit to even though I'm scheming madly about how to make it happen?!?  The Great Wonderland Escape Plan!!! *Winks*  Sometimes I think Escaping Wonderland Successfully is like Escaping Alcatraz Successfully... I need Sean Connery... and not just for Escape Purposes!  *LOL* 
 
 

 
 
It will be a Year early next Month that The Man had his catastrophic accident and added Traumatic Brain Injury to his resume of disabilities that have been a Life Changer, so much so that he now needs Full Time Caregiving.   Though his Recovery Process has been nothing short of Miraculous, we've all had to Grieve who he Was and accept who and how he now Is.  A Year out and great strides have been made... enough so that I can be lulled into thinking there could be more Restoration and our Lives could be Normal one day?
 

 
 
 
  Those stages of Grief about what has been Lost have been without a time frame for each of us... they just take however long each step takes for us all.  I can move thru my Stages at least with some Understanding of The Process I'm going thru... with the G-Kid Force it hasn't been so easy.  Lets face it, those Kiddos have their own burdens and Crosses to bear without Grandpa or Gramma being a Hot Mess on top of it all!  And dealing with other Grieving peeps can be more brutal than moving thru Grief alone actually... I can Deal with my own Grief and ME... Dealing with the effects of how others are Coping, or NOT, can be a particular Challenge I'm not always up to.
 
 
 


Dealing with a Brain Damaged Senior, a Bipolar Teenager and a Moody Strong-Willed Eight Year Old little Girl... all deeply Grieving as well about what has been Lost or Changed in their World can some days be my own Personal Hell and make me want to run away and join the Circus for Real!!!  I don't have any Magic to make it all Okay... and some days I'm so NOT Okay myself but there's nobody to really tell it to, except maybe you guys.   Those are the days where I need my little Slice of The Land of Blog to be my forum of just Keeping It Real and be what it needs to be for me right now... a dumping ground of sorts to cast it out there into cyberspace in Written Form... those things that Wound the Spirit and Crush the Soul at times.  Just acknowledging Feelings and FEELING them without the stuffing down.
 
 



Things that are in stark contrast to pretty pictures and the Fluff of Life I also Love Blogging about... things that Feed the Soul and bouy the Spirit.  Happy, Delightful, Cheerful things that make Life worth Living and Blogging about it so much FUN, even when you're on a Rollercoaster that is Life.  I know I bought the ticket so I'm on for the whole ride regardless of where it's taking me.  So I might as well hold on for dear Life and Enjoy the ride, snatching whatever passes by that is worth grabbing onto to make the ride tolerable during the turbulent twists and turns that threaten to derail you.  And I decided long ago that I Blog for myself first, and anyone else who happens to show up can decide if the Content is what they're looking for day to day or not?  I know the Hard Reads aren't so Frivolous and Fun... but they do often Minister to some other Tortured Souls as well like a balm, so it's all Good in the end.
 
 
 



In a Perfect World and Life it would ALL be Rainbows and Unicorn Farts... I can't paint that picture because it is not accurate and I'm just not that adept at painting a rosy picture that isn't based on Reality whatsoever... I'll leave that up to the Fictional Writers.   I've always been inclined to prefer Non-Fiction anyway, I can relate to it better and it always seems to have more depth and Character than Fiction in my humble opinion.   Since Fictional Characters and their Story don't really Exist I find it hard to Connect to any of them, but maybe thats just me, I dunno?  Fiction is Fun but I am not buying into any of it as Reality-Based, no matter how Well the Story is told.
 
 

 
 
Next month, along with The Man's Accident Anniversary, will also be the Young Prince's Birthday... and mine... it's gotta be a better Celebration than last Year... since the Accident occurred ON the poor Young Prince's Birthday Celebration Day!!!  And given the circumstances six days later I didn't have a Celebration or Feel very Celebratory at all on my own Birthday either!   Our Family is moving thru some Important Decisions right now as well... and we're Hoping to make the very best Choices given the Options.  So lotsa Heavy Stuff... along with Pretending things are Swell and Normal when they're clearly NOT, just so the Crew here feel more Secure that Yours Truly is keeping it together and holding it down... Denial can be a nice place to hang out in order to keep one's head on straight at times!!!
 


 
 
And I do Feel rather Proud of myself for sticking with the Bloggy Thing thru it all... even tho' in recent Months I haven't Felt much like a Blogger anymore and began to Question why I was still bothering to Blog at all?  After careful re-assessment I realized it was because it still Serves it's Purpose and I wouldn't Feel quite right without it, without the Visits... and the Wonderful Community within it... and the Joy it still brings me Artistically and as a way to Share certain Passions that only others like me probably even Care about one iota!  *LOL*  And also to Share the Pains and Sorrows... because this is still way Cheaper than Therapy my Friends!  *LOL*
 
 


And even perhaps because you might miss me too... and these tumbles down my Mad Bohemian Rabbit Hole?  Because who didn't Enjoy Alice's Mad Surreal Adventures and the Crazy Cast of Characters?  It is rather Entertaining, Enchanting and Fun, and especially if it isn't you!   *Ha ha ha!!!*    I Confess, what Alice went thru was like a bad Acid Trip so it's just as well she was a Fictional Character... or maybe she wasn't REALLY??!!  In which case I'd want to meet the Real Alice and get tips on Surviving Wonderland!   *Winks*   I don't know that I'd want her particular Adventures in Real Life... it was even Crazier and more bizaare than Mi Vida Loca and it's Cast of Characters!?!  I know, guess that's subjective really, huh?  *Bwahahaha!!!*
 
 

 
 
Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian


3 comments:

  1. You are so great at expressing even your deepest thoughts! A real talent! I'm sure it does help you to write it all out, kind of like lifting some of the weight off your shoulders! I pray for you regularly. And tonight I pray that you will find peace through it all and feel a sense of accomplishment in your work, whether it be mundane or creative! Marlynne

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  2. Dawn you have a unique writing style that's completely authentic....so we know how things really are in your world whether they be fun, catastrophic or anything in between....which is why l come visit you so much :-)

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  3. Bless your heart

    first the menopause thing lasted 10 years for me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I am back to myself I think? now I'm in the aging breakdown phase LOL just get over one thing and something else breaks down or goes wrong !!!

    I am so sorry about your husbands recovery not being a perfect recovery and sorry you are in such a rut, however this will pass , i've been in a rut for years when my husband was in an Alzheimer unit ,it was hell for both of us, I was a widow at 59 I learned death is not bad compared to Alzheime's.

    Get away for a day and enjoy something outside of your studio and your family
    Blogland helps but like you said our lives aren't all fluffy and pretty and we don't live in a perfect world , I just appreciate the fact I am not in a nursing home dying with alzhemiers I made a pledge when that part of my life was over I would enjoy the rest of mine and NOT be depressed over anything ever again.

    Heads up girl you'll make it

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A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

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