Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Comeback... From Beyond The Breaking Point

 
 
The Breaking Point... everybody has one, now I know what mine is.  So... this is the Comeback... from beyond the Breaking Point.   Yes, that's why I've been away for a while my Friends... and I want to Thank everyone who asked and was Concerned about my sudden absence and being AWOL from the Land of Blog without explanation.
 
 


I just broke... and it wasn't pretty and I only just got out of the Hospital.   I Hated being Broken...  but it saved my life.   I knew it was coming... the Breaking Point... and I'd told a lot of people in Hopes of Preventing it, Social Workers, Case Workers, Doctors, Therapists, Agencies, Family, Friends... but either nobody really Listened or nobody Cared or wanted to risk Involvement, at least that was how I Felt anyway.  So, like a runaway locamotive coming at you that you don't have the power to stop or jump out of the way of, since you're tied to the train tracks, I just had to Hope that it would be quick and merciful when it finally happened.
 
 



Well, it was neither quick nor merciful... and that sucked.  I Hope to never have to reach a Breaking Point again and survive it actually.  Being utterly Broken is Misery personified, Despair and Hopelessness are quite tormenting emotions to endure and maintain any semblance of Sanity.  If you've ever been there... at that place of the Breaking Point... you 'Feel' me... if not, I Hope you never have to experience a point of reference for it.




I had Wondered... should I Blog about the Experience?  It was tempting to just make a quiet Comeback without explanation and avoid the topic entirely actually, but that seemed disingenuous.  And as you know, I always keep it 100% Real around here... because this is my Personal online Journal and Journey foremost... and I really don't care what anybody thinks about how much I choose to Share because it's for me primarily... and if anyone else happens to be Blessed or Touched by it in any way, that's an added Bonus I never expected when I began Blogging.
 



 
 
After a lengthy Hospital stay I Witnessed firsthand how many others had also reached a Breaking Point, so I was definitely not the Lone Ranger and I found a Weird Comfort in that... some who would move beyond it... and others who quite clearly would not, could not or might not.  I suppose I should be grateful that I have come from beyond the Breaking Point and can bear Testimony and still be Functional.   Perhaps as a Voice to those who can't... or won't.
 
 
 
 
  You see, I realized how many who were Broken were so Shamed about and by the Experience that they will, or will attempt to, maintain Secrecy or were mortified about what others would Think when it became 'known' or was already now Common Knowledge?  That bothered me, because they should never have to Feel Shame or fear Society's Judgment on top of the Trauma of Breaking.  Maybe it's a good thing I didn't give a crap about what anyone thinks or feels about it.  My attitude being, them NOT being me and all, how could they possibly arrogantly Assume what their own Breaking Point might have been in my shoes or under identical circumstances?  Because until it's you... well...  you never really know, do you?  Because you can't.
 
 
 
 
On a Positive Note I FINALLY got some Sleep... NORMAL amounts of Sleep... for the first time in what seems like an Eternity... and I could definitely get used to Sleep, I really could!  *Smiles*   It was also such a Relief and weight lifted off my shoulders not to have to take Care of anybody but myself or focus on anything but my own Point of Need for the first time in over Twenty Years, I could get used to that luxury too, though I knew it would be brief.  And that nothing would be Changed when I finally came back... except possibly my resolve to somehow find ways to Cope and persevere while awaiting Help that might never come... only Time will tell? 
 


 
 
And... I maintained my Dark sense of Humor and met some Awesome folks... Broken to be sure... but totally Awesome nonetheless.   I will always remember them and be Grateful for our Time together... I will also Pray for Restoration and Healing for each and every one, some of us Hope to keep in touch from beyond the Breaking Point.  They say your Misery is often your Ministry and I totally agree with that... so many told me that I had Ministered to them during our Stay together... and I KNOW they Ministered to me.
 
 



And it's not as if, just because I had reached the Breaking Point, that some really crazy shit didn't still happen afterwards, to put added Strain on my own Recovery.  Such as The Man being released from the In-Patient Hospital Stay after his Medical Emergency, by an Idiot Doctor that could care less that I was also Hospitalized and he'd be sending him Home alone in no condition to care for himself and no Home Care in place! 
 



Not to mention, by doing so, negating the VA Contract with the Acute Care Nursing and Rehab Facility we'd worked so hard for two Months to receive Placement for and he SHOULD have been returned to!   Maybe it was a good thing I was already on lockdown in a Psyche Ward and couldn't get to that Doctor or I might have been making Headlines and not in a good way! 
 
 

 
 
  So instead, I was coordinating Emergency Caregiving Measures for The Man and the G-Kid Force from within a Psyche Ward while I was totally unraveling and didn't really give a crap about living or dying, now how CRAZY is that?!??!  *LOL*  Honestly, it's surreally Hysterical in hindsight and I'm not being facetious about the laughing out loud part, because many of us Kindred Spirits were laughing about TOTALLY unfunny Dark situations, ours and each others.  It's good Medicine for the Soul, Laughter, if you can't find Levity you will very likely be one of the ones that doesn't 'make it'... and Thank God it all somehow Miraculously worked out.
 
 
 
 
So... yes, The Man is now Home... and in many ways that is a Good Thing, it was always a Prayed for and Desired end result... though not in the way in which it unfolded and certainly not in such a Dramatic and Stressful Involuntary way that was certainly NOT Ideal by any measures!  Tough Old Marine that he is, he Adapted and Improvised until his Wife, who had gone off the deep end, could coordinate some hasty arrangements until I could get 'sprung' and return as everyone's Caregiver.
 
 
 
 
The Son and his Dear Girlfriend took The Force for the week I was 'Away' so that Social Services didn't have to ... he looked like Crap by Day Number Six and was obviously hanging by a thread.  By then he was just Surprised it had taken me so long to Break and come to the 'Place'  of Crisis that I did!   That Assessment made me Smile even though I knew he was Worried for and about me and my Condition and what had happened. 
 
 
 
 
 He looked like he could benefit from joining me there in the Unit, during the Visit with The Force in tow, after a mere week of Caregiving of just them, so it was imperative I got a Release by the next day and everyone pretty much Agreed!  I didn't need him folding up like a deck of cards too and asking for a 'Family Discount'!!! *Winks*  Yes, Welcome to my World... ain't it a Joy?!?   I doubt he will now give me any Grandchildren and we laughed about that upon my Release and his Relief that I'd be taking them Home.  They had been the Handful that they usually are and extremely High Maintenance, Crisis don't change that aspect of them being 'Special' in Politically Correct Terms. 
 



It really was quite pathetic to Contemplate that the nearest thing to a Vacation I've had in ages was a Life Threatening Crisis and Breakdown which led to a week in a Psyche Ward... so I know that After Care will be crucial as I Meditate upon my Reality and what I must return to and Cope with as the Hand Dealt. 
 


 
 
 It's still quite daunting... definitely depressing... and quite overwhelming in spite of my brief Respite from it.  I cannot continue to do it Alone, and at least now that's overly well documented and can no longer be Ignored by The System.  It will be on their hands if they continue to Neglect the Situation, and it's down to a matter of Pay Now or Pay WAY more Later for them if it gets to the point I cannot do it anymore whatsoever as an Unpaid Unskilled Kinfolk Caregiver.  I don't really Care how much it costs them actually, I'm so far beyond Caring.
 
 



But Love is a Powerful Force... and my Love for my Family and keeping them Together will have to sustain me as I wait upon the Lord to work this all out on our behalf.   He didn't allow me to perish... and I certainly should have... and came mighty close... and I was deeply disturbed by the fact that I had finally come to a place where I didn't really Care one way or the other actually.  Obviously He did though... Care enough to Save me... for whatever Purpose and so I have to Trust there is one and He's not done with me yet.
 
 



And work on the Caring part and wanting to go on... so that it comes back... my Self-Preservation has always been so Strong so it was uncharacteristic not to have it... and to figure out how to get it back, I'm not sure?  I'm still working on that part, I think it will just take time and a lot of Help.  So I do Hope that the Help comes... and is Reliable... and actually Shows Up this time?
 
 



The Man said he needs me and cannot do this without me... and we both know the G-Kid Force do and can't... so in Unity we will close ranks and move from beyond my Breaking Point.  It shook up a lot of people... and perhaps it should have.  
 
 
 
 
 I really have no Deep or Profound Words about any of it... but I did Feel Led to Blog about the Experience... Strongly in fact... and so I have chosen to be as transparent as I am comfortable with and Share a Private Pain very Publicly.  I am absolutely certain I am not alone in this Experience... I am only Hopeful that perhaps in the Sharing of it that some might avoid reaching their Breaking Point and going through it?  Or at least realize they can try to make a Comeback from beyond it?
 
 
 
 
That is my 'Process' right now... and I'm taking it one day... in fact, one Moment... at a time...
 


 
 
 
Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian


11 comments:

  1. Dear Dawn
    Im sending you love from my heart and prayers from my soul. Know that you are loved and held close to my heart. May God Bless you and restore you each and everyday forth. Love Kate xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. You have been in my thoughts, Beautiful Soul. I wondered how you were able to manage the superhuman lifestyle you had created for yourself. God put us on this planet smack dab in the midst of BILLIONS of people for a reason, Dawn! We are here to help each other. Don't forget that and don't you DARE be ashamed of being human. We love you just the way you are.

    xo

    Andie

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow...what an ordeal you have endured. It's no wonder you reached breaking point, caring for others is so all consuming. I hope the Lord gives you strength for what lies ahead. Beauty always comes from ashes, & I trust this was all a part of Gods plan. Leisa Xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Dawn, Sending love and prayers to you and your family. Good for you for knowing you needed help to get better and doing it. Take the time you need to work on it as I know your family and friends love you so much. And you need to love yourself enough to do it. You are a brave and loving woman. It comes out in all of your posts and I just know you will be ok.Big hugs and love to you and take care of yourself:)
    ~Debra xxx
    Capers of the vintage vixens

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well my Sweet Spirit, I have to admit, I was wondering when you were going to reach your breaking point......you have had so much on your plate for so very long that it was only a matter of time. You are such a Super Woman but even she has her breaking point you know?

    I am so glad you got some rest and can now start fresh AND WITH THE MAN BY YOUR SIDE! Such wonderful news.

    Love and blessings!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I have been concerned! I just knew something bad was going on and I was praying for you and yours! Maybe it's best your husband is home now. I'm still praying for the help you need with the children will come thru as well for you and your husband. God Bless Marlynne.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ah, but you didn't lose your self-preservation instinct - it kicked in big-time and broke you so that you could do no more for a while. It gave you a rest and you learned some things too.
    You are so strong - carry on, Dawn.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dawn, I really don't know what to comment on this post of yours. You are such a strong, amazing person. I hope that the authorities will sit up and take notice and do something to help you and yours, because it's way beyond a joke and what your family is going through is not fair.
    Are there any community groups or charities that can offer extra help or advice, or take matters on, on your behalf, to get things sorted out for you?
    Sincerely hope things make a turn for the better soon, and am sending lots of positive thoughts and healing vibes to you and yours.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Though I haven't the time or energy right now to Thank everyone personally, your heartfelt responses, Prayers and Healing Positive Energies and Vibes are SO very appreciated! Mwahhh... you all ROCK!

    Dawn... The Bohemian

    ReplyDelete
  10. I have been reading all your posts...and I have been amazed how you do it...and wondered if you would break. I understand about breaking...I have been on antidepressant medicines for 20 years. Hang on and keep up your treatment. My heart goes out to you, I often become sad when reading your posts. I have to take care of myself, a great deal. Be Good, Kind, and Love Yourself.

    ReplyDelete

A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl