Sunday, September 1, 2013

Gadgetry Glitches And Panic Attacks...

Okay, so my Internet, Cable and Landline Provider is having major problemos probably due to severe Monsoon Storms in our area, so I've had sporadic Service for the past few days, very bad timing given our Personal situation right now.  *Le Sigh*  I'm definitely having Blogging Withdrawal even though it has been kinda Peaceful not having my Home Phone continuously ringing off the hook during our continued Personal Crisis.


  I know the Trauma Center can always reach me by Cellphone and I don't use my Cell for anything but Emergency and Important Calls... I'm real "Old School" that way, I don't want an Electronic Leash constantly interrupting my focus or my days and Plans.  Not everyone likes or 'gets' that preferred aspect of my Cell usage, but it works swell for me. 

And even when I can get Blogger to load, it isn't functioning properly, probably on account of the signal problems, I dunno... so I'm having trouble Creating a Post since Images won't load and I'm getting a frustrating amount of buffering.  Needless to say that means I could more intently focus upon Inventory prepping for our big End Of Summer Labor Day Bash going on at THE BRASS ARMADILLO WEST.  Truth be told, I'd rather be Blogging. 

 Sales have been up and I've had a lot of holes in the Vignettes from the brisk sales, so it's been time to do some major re-stocking of Inventory.  And it has given us an excuse to have some amped up Editing and Purging at Home as well as go on a few small 'Picks' to Source Product. 

 Seed Money for major 'Pickin' is slim though, and the Medical Emergency has caused considerable unplanned Financial Stress.  So I'm glad what I already have offered is Selling well and I have Inventory to Purge from Personal Collections to re-stock with. 


Financial Constraints have really helped me to sever Love Affairs with a lot of my Personal Found Treasures though.  Falling out of Love with it by Necessity helps me to just Let it Go and be glad for the Investment it is at just the right time, to create much needed Financial Liquidity and Cash Flow during a difficult time. 


Funny how 'Need' can transcend Attachments to Stuff that previously you might have struggled to Let Go of because you still really Loved or wanted to Keep it for yourself.  It's at least something to fall back on to 'Turn', so it came in handy at just the right time when it has become necessary to Flip it.   I always feel badly for those who might not have anything to fall back upon... or didn't Invest in anything to Sell off when they have a 'Need', Crisis or an Emergency. 

And even the G-Kid Force are Sacrificing and getting Involved by giving up some of their Collections they Feel ready to Let Go of and Flip for the Cause.  Simplifying is becoming a better Habit for us now and that has been a Good thing... we're actually Enjoying the "Less" and extra uncluttered Space in the rooms being cleared out.  I'm also Grateful for the Earnings that Selling Off the Excess has Created so that I'm not quite so Tapped Out Financially that it would cause an added layer of Stress I definitely don't need. 


During the first day of the Labor Day Bash the G-Kid Force were quite Lucky... Prince R found the coveted Brass Armadillo hidden in the Mall, that if found is worth a Ten Dollar Gift Certificate!  And they also are having Drawings every Hour for a Five Dollar Gift Certificate and Princess T won that while Gramma was there busy re-stocking Inventory!  *Dynamic Duo Happy Dance!*  The G-Kid Force are Loyal Customers at our Mall, they spend all their Pocket and Birthday Money there, it's their Destination of Choice for a Spending Spreee. *LOL*


 The G-Kid Force needed that boost of 'Happy' and 'Feeling Lucky' right now, so I was Delighted for them and to see Joy on their little faces again, since both have been battling serious Depression since Grandpa's Accident and thus have been fighting like Cats and Dogs with each other, their Friends, struggling in School and working my last nerve. 


We also Enjoyed the Free Hot-Dogs being Served and Grilled by my Friend 'Grill Master Dan'... and Free Lemonade... which was mighty tasty on a Hot and Humid Monsoon Day.  The Force promptly spent their Gift Certificate Winnings at the Mall, picking up some Vintage Toy Treasures they didn't really Need, but Wanted at the Moment anyway.  *Winks*  I'm glad they Appreciate Vintage and Unique Items as much as I do and prefer it over brand New and Common Items.  We can always Flip it all again later when they tire of it.


 Was there a Lil Somethin'-Somethin' Gramma would have liked to have had, SURE, I'm a sucka for Sparkle... but not now, Hopefully it won't Sell before I can swing it?!?  If not... well... it wasn't meant to be mine. I'm concentrating on Selling rather than Buying anyway, there's nothing I really NEED, so it's just a Want Item that I can live without and won't Crush me not to get.  Retail Therapy is something I'm definitely avoiding at this vulnerable time.

 I'm also Hopeful that I will eventually get some Images to load with this Post Content?  Otherwise it will sit out there in the Land of 'Draft' until my Service is Restored adequately.  Which, since it's a Holiday Weekend, won't be anytime until AFTER Labor Day it seems. *Le Sigh*   At least I'm getting a partial Post Created and my Words out.  My Zen Time is Crucial, especially now, so I make the Time I need to unwind and Chill.  I'd just like to be doing what my initial preference is rather than a secondary activity that probably involves Work!  *LOL*


There's tons of Work to be done, since during a Crisis things slide more than usual... thick layers of dust covering everything and piles of Inventory on it's way out still languishing to name a few Projects waiting for Attention and Focus... but right now I need some 'Down' Time that doesn't involve it. 

Thankfully the Young Prince is visiting Relatives for a portion of the Holiday Weekend, so it's just us Girls at Home and Princess T Loves having me all to herself, though she is missing Grandpa terribly.  She Loves and Lives to Clean and Organize... so Together as a Team without Menfolk in the way perhaps we'll get more done?


 It's too Distressing for the Kiddos to spend too much time at the Trauma Center, so with them in Tow I can't be there either as much as I Need or would like to be for The Man.  And that is tough for me, I feel very Conflicted about Personal Priorities pulling me in opposing directions, without a Clone I can only be one place at a time and there's too many places I NEED to be... or don't WANT to be right now! 


Right now I would LIKE to be able to pass the Custodial Guardian Torch to someone else and just be a Regular Grandparent, if there was someone else to pass it to... there's not.  I am Wrestling with the Reality that I'm 'it' and this is probably the best Placement for the G-Force overall, for their Well Being and Safety.  Because a little bit of them goes a very long way and as a Custodial Single Grandparent right now, I'm admitting I'm in over my head and waiting for Resources that may take forever and a day to line up, if they ever do, in the way of Help. 


 This duo is too much for one person without a Backup... they just are... so I Wonder how long I can do it and last?  Their Ages dictate that I MUST last at least another eleven years... WOW, that just seems like such a LONG time to hold out, keep it together and hold it down... and the prospect of doing it alone is daunting, I ain't gonna lie!   

And I don't really WANT to... I HAVE to... so I'm not actually a Willing Volunteer per se.  It was either us or Strangers that the very broken 'System' would mandatorily choose against our Daughter's Will, so that's not really a 'Choice' at all.  Their Mom Entrusted them Voluntarily and with much Love to us at Birth because she knew the same Love was here with her Parents and we'd be fully Invested for all the Right reasons and provide a Good Home that she could not.  It wasn't a Decision any of us took Lightly or didn't realize would be a HUGE Commitment and a LOT of Hard Work and Personal Sacrifice.


Love is pressing me to Continue doing the Right Thing on their behalf and because there's no-one else.  I don't know any Custodial Grandparent that actually WANTED to have to be Raising some or all of their G-Kids full time and providing ALL of their Needs, probably on a fixed income.  You'd rather just be a regular Gramma and Grandpa, not in the Role of  Surrogate Parents in your Old Age and likely to be in Childrearing Mode your entire Adult Life now.  You'd like to be able to send them Home when you've had enough Fun and Quality Time with them, you know, like NORMAL Grandparents do!  *Winks*


You often have to wear the Mask of "I really want to be doing this..." because we're not at the Season of Life for Raising Kids anymore for a myriad of Natural reasons.  Especially High Maintenance ones with considerable Issues, we lack the Stamina, and often the necessary Health or Resources to.  And the Generational Thing is a bigger Chasm than you could ever have Imagined... so much is different and has Changed Generation to Generation, so there's new Challenges associated with Raising a different Generation in a different Era far removed from your own.

 There's a lot of faltering and doubting oneself in the Process when things really aren't going well and you're really Feeling your Age and/or Circumstances or things are off kilter and going Left fast!   Kids without their Parents Endure a Special and Unique set of Emotional Issues associated with that dynamic too.  It's not the Natural Order of things and so things often seem quite Out Of Order in a Profound way... I thrive on Order in Life, not Chaos.  Chaos tends to wreck me and pull me off Center and sent adrift.


 And Honestly, the Condition of my Beloved is scaring the living Hell out of me too... will I be able to take care of him too at some future date and meet him at his point of Need?  Unskilled, unpaid Caregiving is something I've done for years, but this is REALLY scary stuff if things don't improve drastically and I have no delusions about the scope and magnitude of it.  This is a Life and Game Changer, no doubt about it.


Will he even ever be able to come Home or have Quality of Life again?  What will be Covered and provided, and what won't without major battles, red tape and frustrating bureaucracy?  And for how long?  How will the G-Force receive and respond to the Reality long-term since it will be our Family burden to deal with daily and bear... or me for that matter since Panic, Depression and Anxiety is setting in already with all of us?  

Those are just some questions nobody can answer or even project... so many questions, so few answers... so we'll just have to take it one day at a time.  I've got all the Crisis Hotlines on Speed Dial, just in case.  The Investment of Friends and Extended Family is far different than who will make the daily Decisions and find a way to Provide the Care needed.  Until it's you, there's no way of knowing how you'll fare or what you'd do?!?  People Care, they really do... but they won't be there every day dealing with everything along with you, that's just the Reality.


Well... I know I've gone Long on this Journal Entry... but I Needed to... the Purpose of this Blog initially began as an Online Personal Journal and Journey after all.  This is a part of my Personal Journey... not a Good part I'm afraid, but it is what it is, a Hand dealt... and we'll Deal with it some kind of way... we always do...


POST FOOTNOTEThis is why I Love Blogging so much... this Morning I awoke to a Comment from my Blog Friend Rebecca who thought she had no Words to respond to this Post.  I went to Thank her for the Faithful Blog Visit at one of her Blogs HERE and the Perfect Words and a Powerful and Beautiful Testimony to Minister to my Soul and Spirit were there... I shall now Share the Song and I Hope you will Visit her Post via the Link to Receive what I did:

♫He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.♫
(Annie J. Flint)

 "Courage is grace under pressure." (Ernest Hemingway)

Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian 


  1. I have no words to express my heart after reading your post, Dawn. You're definitely "between a rock and a hard place"!

  2. oh glad things are selling for ya..(:)
    fun stuff to sell too(:)

  3. My heart hurts for you and I will continue to have you in my thoughts and prayers1 Make sure your church, minister, neighbors, friends & etc. know of your need and let them help you. It not only will help you but will make them feel better too! I am saying a prayer for you and your husband and the grandkids right now that you will feel the peace and protection that only our Lord can give! Amen


A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl