Saturday, August 11, 2012

Going Through Ain't Easy... So I'll Just Rant A Bit!!!



I've found that 'Going Through' ain't easy... no matter how Old I get.  When you're up against something significant it's still as difficult regardless of Experience and Maturity at dealing with it as it ever was.  In fact, it seems I am more prone to being Tired and Weary of dealing with stuff as I age and I'm not as inclined to want to deal with it at all!  But deal with it you must...




Maybe if it was just one thing at a time... one crisis or trial at a time... perhaps I'd do better at it?  But it seems to me that 'Going Through' often comes in batches.  Which can be quite overwhelming at times, very discouraging and depressing.




There's things that I just want to be done with... over with... things such as dealing with chronic illness of Loved ones... and the raising of Children at some point in my Life.   As the Primary Caregiver I'm just running out of steam and energy I guess.  Emotionally & physically sometimes it wrecks me and takes it's toll because I'm no Spring Chickie anymore.  And sometimes, yes sometimes, I just don't want to do it anymore, I want to pass the baton!  But... to Who?  Seems there's nobody else left in this relay race.




Ever been in a race that seemingly has no end?  How long do you run before you just can't anymore?  I'm finding that out the hard way... because I'm hitting the wall a lot more often lately than I used to.   Where I'm left encouraging myself because frankly, you've got to handle your own stuff and outside encouragement can be scarcer than you might require.  Because realistically everyone is running their own races, dealing with their own stuff... and that's quite normal, it's nothing personal at all.  If they get in your race then they can't effectively run their race and vice-versa.




So... you just tend to glance over at each other from time to time to see how the other runners are doing and give the occassional Thumbs Up... or Thumbs Down... and keep on truckin'.  But personally I'm getting worn out from feeling like the Hamster on the Wheel when it comes to dealing with some stuff.   You know, that stuff Life might hand you like a bad hand at cards... it's the hand you've been dealt, but you don't have to like it or necessarily want to keep playing anymore when it's a crappy hand that you can't do much with except bluff that it might be a better hand to the other Players.




And yeah, sure, it's sometimes still nice to acknowledge that at least you're still in the Game and haven't folded and thrown in your chips.   That perhaps the hand dealt will change for the better if you keep playing long enough and change strategies, becoming a better Player somehow?  When it comes to Chronic Illness of Loved Ones I've been in this Game for quite some time after all... so you'd think I would be a superb Player at coping, dealing with it and not allowing it to dictate my mood and general outlook.   And most of the time it doesn't... but lately it has... a LOT.




To the point I'm questioning what is the suspected outcome after all?  Are my expectations and the outcome I envision even realistic?  What Game am I even playing, what Race am I even running? Because the rules and the lines aren't very clear to me anymore about expectation versus reality.  Hope springs Eternal and all that, but seriously, I've been Hoping for some Miracles to Manifest so that I get a break or even a breakthrough and it just ain't happening my Friends.


  

We get through one Surgery, Hospitalization, Session, Health or Behavioral Crisis and here comes another... or maybe even several, with different Loved Ones, and all at once... now isn't that Special?!?!!!   We wait for Help that sometimes never comes... or Cures that haven't yet been found... or ways to deal with particular diagnosis and challenges of living with a condition that can give a semblance of normalcy to a most definitely abnormal and difficult situation.




Since The Man's last Stroke things have been in a downward spiral and it makes me feel so helpless and frustrated... and now he's got to face another risky major surgery on top of everything else!!  And it scares the hell out of me... and yet I can't show it, because then it will scare the hell out of him and the G-Kid Force and I've got to pretend and Believe that I know everything is going to be alright.  I don't know that... I'm only pretending and standing on Faith to Believe that it will be.   The outcome is not up to me... and being the control freak that I am, I'm not comfortable with that Fact at all.




And the Doctors aren't very encouraging because they have to stick with the Facts since they're not able to operate on the Miraculous Believing System and so are obligated to full disclosure and revealing all the risks and logical concerns... wow... now that's a long list!!!   And though we've had to impatiently wait a very long time for all the Moon, Stars and VA Constellations to line up to arrange and approve said necessary surgery, now that it's set and looming so close, I don't really want to deal with all that either... because this is something we've had to do many, many, many times before... and the 'Going Through' ain't easy.  The tension of waiting for a surgery to go well and have good news rather than more bad news... the LONG recovery and rehabilitations... with all the work, personal sacrifice and limitations that entails.





Four to six Months they're saying... as a conservative estimate... and IF everything goes well, with no complications!   Yeah, that pretty much shoots the rest of 2012 and the Holiday Season in the head in the best case scenario... I'm thrilled can't you tell?  I'm wondering how long I can continue Working this time... or if I'll just have to give everything up again?  So add more financial strain and crisis to the mix and dashed Vision and Plans to expand my Dream of that 2nd Income and a Showroom... I might not even be able to maintain the Booth properly, so that's all up in the air as well... we'll just have to wing it and ride on a wing and a Prayer... one day at a time... like we always do.  Not a very secure feeling or future... and limits your Vision considerably... and in case you can't tell, that makes me uneasy and frustrated as well since Life can be expensive nowadays, specially when you've got a fixed income and a large, mostly young Family.  I need a Solution!!!  A viable one that doesn't keep getting dashed to smitherines just when I think it might work out and solve some things!?! 




And then there's the raising of Kids thing... because these Kids have some Issues... and I didn't expect to be doing the raising of Kids thing for the rest of my natural Life... especially beyond Retirement anyways.  If they had no Issues or Special Needs it would be difficult enough at a more advanced Season of Life... but they do... have Issues... and I am... at a more advanced Season of Life... so it 'tis what it 'tis!   And this is the time of year that the Princess has severe Respiratory distress and so there will be the usual trips to the Specialist and the several Treatments a day... I shouldda been a Nurse or a Pharmacist... hindsight is 20-20!!!   She's a good Kid and a Trooper, even when she's coughing, sputtering and wheezing... and she endures her Treatments valiantly.  And in a way that breaks my Heart all the more that she goes through it all so stoic and brave, she's so used to it as her 'norm'... I feel like a wimp by comparison... because I don't always deal with it all so stoic and brave and I Hate that it has to be her 'norm', it's not fair.  But Life sometimes ain't fair... otherwise bras wouldn't come in sizes... *Winks*




And then there's the Young Prince... ah, yes... I've saved the best for last...  He's a Pre-Teen ya know... full of Angst, raging hormones, and a challenging diagnosis of ADHD & Mood Disorder... which covers a lot of ground Medically speaking... and a whole lotta challenges Behaviorally 'Living with it' speaking!!!   There's no real cure for Mental Health Issues you know... and still a lot of Social stigma & bias... so... just lots of Therapy, Meds and dealing with it as best you can so that quality of Life can be high functional at best, and tolerable at worst.   We've been down this road before... which is why we're raising the G-Kid Force and I know how bad it can get... really, really bad... a 'you can't even imagine' kind of bad... Nightmare bad.   And its disheartening and sad to watch a Loved One suffer with this type of affliction, or see it worsening over time.  It's even more sad to witness the Social bias, intolerance and alienation it creates.   If a person were in a wheelchair nobody would expect them to get up and walk or be annoyed that they couldn't... but with the disability of Mental Health I've found that the expectation of Society, in general, is that they just want and expect them to act and behave 'normal' some kind of way and be 'fixed' and get annoyed when that just ain't happening.   Go figure...




The Young Prince has his ups and downs... and right now we're most definitely in down Mode.  Probably because School just started and that's an adjustment and stressful because he's in Mainstream Classes with some adaptations... not nearly enough adaptations to make it smooth sailing, but better than Special Ed, okay, so I'm trying to roll with it.  This is a Kid that tests at near Genius level and yet finds it impossible at times to Socialize and behave appropriately or be compliant and obedient... so there's always Drama or the potential for Drama.   There and at Home... right now we're dealing with the at Home Drama... but that usually leads in to the School Drama... we just usually get the worse of him first!   Thank God we recently discovered that the new Behavioral Coach didn't Quit after all... *whew*... because apparently he's gonna need a lot of Coaching... Gramma & Grandpa are at wits end dealing with it as it presently stands so I'm Game for some Coaching Tips too... Coach me, I'm all ears!!!   Of coarse, after I dump the whole bale on her during her next Visit she just might Quit... because Truly I wanna Quit... and The Man wants to Quit... so we'll see who makes it to the Finish line without a forfeit!?!  *LOL* 





Because some of the recent Behaviors have got me concerned... I'm having Deja vu and I don't like that... Deja vu when it comes to all this ain't good... I don't want to go down this 10 miles of bad road again... it was a hairy trip last time and I'm a lot older and a lot more weary now and dealing with more stuff!!!  I also know what the outcome was... and it wasn't good... so I want a completely different outcome for this Child, okay?  Okay?!!!!!!!!!!???????  I remember questioning why I bothered to go through everything to seek Help for The Daughter when it amounted to naught and the outcome was still so grim... did it even matter!?!  But then she called for our Birthdays and I can feel Thankfulness and Pride that she's still enduring... still pressing on and being a Beautiful Person in spite of her limitations and torment... so if she can do it... I have to remain "all in" too and be supportive and Love unconditionally and not give up, give in or give out.  I don't yet have the Heart to tell her that her Beloved Son could be going down the same road she traveled, she already feels enough Guilt and Shame about the situation as it stands.  Some day she'll have to know... but for now its just easier to pretend everything is alright and things are swell with the G-Kid Force and Dad... and Mom has everything under control and is still holding it all down... I don't... but lets just say... *LOL*     




And I'm really, really Thankful for the Land of Blog... for this Online Journal and Journey I've undertaken and become very involved in because there is such a Wonderful Community here that Visits, Shares and Endures my occassional Rant!  *Winks*  And besides, you guys are still cheaper than Therapy... *Smiles*  Yep, 'Going Through' ain't easy... so I'll just Rant a bit from time to time...

See... I feel so much better already... BTW anybody wanna baton? {Insert evil cackle! LOL}...Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian



4 comments:

  1. Oh, my dear Dawn. I wish I could be of tangible help. Provide some respite care, if nothing else. All I can do is "listen" and pray. And so I will.

    I understand your passion for blogging in a WHOLE new way.

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  2. Dawn I completely understand about EVERYTHING...the only difference is I am not dealing with grandbabies ,,,none have arrived yet but who knows what is coming down the road...but the VA...doing the same thing...with the hubby it is dealing with the PTSD and physical outcomes form the war...it seems never ending...and you are so right ...it is tiring...and I am worn out too... especially mentally...his family has not been as kind to me as mine has to him...they have worked my last nerve...somehow we do not envision our GOLDEN years being so tarnished... Hang in there Sistah...and rant all you want...we hear & feel for you...I agree... Blog-land is my escape to get away and have some peace & quiet, some nostalgia and know I am not alone...you aren't either...remember that... Prayers & good energy for all but especially for you...the caretakers get lost in the minutia most of the time...as though we have an unlimited amount of energy & stamina...well we don't!!!
    (((HUGS)))) to you GF...

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  3. Hello my dear blog friend... I so hear you! I wish I could do more than just listen but that is the one disadvantage of the internet, the distances between friends. Maybe there is something in the cosmos today, planets on a collisionary course or something like that as today has been a rough one for me too. My issues seem so handleable compared to what you have to deal with though. I just have to get my own emotions in gear, not take care of so many precious others with such huge needs. I get it though, I took care of my Mom when I was a child and then after she died my Dad who kind of lost it. I understand how insurmountable life can feel and how totally out of control it is. The only thing that I will throw out there that has helped me is a book by Pema Chodron called "When Things Fall Apart" . It helped me in coping with things. She doesn't paint a rosy picture of give you affirmations or feel good advice. She looks problems straight in the eye and just helps you cope by sort of changing your philosophy. You didn't ask for advice but that is the caretaker in me coming out (I was raised to be one from an early age!). Keep ranting and reach for the relief feeling, even if it is another rant or a solid melt down. Know that I send you lots of light, love and empathy.
    Tricia and the kitties

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  4. My Dear Dawn,
    I so wished I could help you in some way. Bless your heart. You must feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Please email your address to me okay...Joycecalamity@gmail.com. I'm reaching through and giving you a big hug. I can't imagine the stress, burden and preasure you have. Some would just throw up their hands and walk away...and I wouldn't blame them. You,my dear, have such a big heart that it won't let you give up. I'm tempted to come down and relieve you of your duties for a few days to give you alone time for yourself. You so need it and deserve it. I hope you find relief soon. I'm here for you even if it's to just vent your heart out.

    A big hug to you. Joyce from the Pacific Northwest.

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A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl